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Approaching Marriage

Shaykh Alauddin ElBakri (unverified)

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1 moment mention “Patience”:

location if
they kick us out like and we go overtime
don't worry we'll walk everyone over to
the scc and we'll continue over there
around there in private areas maybe
outside so no worries about that but
just letting you all know um so we're
gonna go ahead and start it and get
started but first i just wanted to
introduce our speaker once again sure
called buckery joseph lefer for coming
once again all the way from the east
from the south bay um it's a long drive
and we really appreciate your time so
let me just say a few words
so
um at a young age in north africa
okay in north africa
skip it let's skip it okay
and we're partnering with the hostel
which is an organization um whose
mission is to bring muslim youth
together to support each other and
believing in acting upon the quran and
sunnah speaking truth to oneself and
advising each other and serving allah's
creation so
we are partnering with awesome we thank
them so much for their collaboration on
this event and without further ado let's
go ahead and get started
[Applause]
always heartwarming to see that muslims
are interested into learning
of their faith not about their faith but
actually their faith
so that they can turn it into
practice
i'd like to thank the msa uh
which represents all of you
alhamdulillah
for inviting me and uh you know choosing
topics that are very relevant to your um
daily life and to you know age and
experience and you know stage in life
so this is good alhamdulillah
and
i
try my best to
prepare and
put myself in your shoes as i'm
preparing the lecture
not long ago i was also single and uh
and i got married and uh i had to go
through these steps myself you know it's
uh and alhamdulillah
i don't regret it at all alhamdulillah
that we have something called islam
that gives you a room to grow as a human
being to learn
to make mistakes
to learn from your mistakes
but that's not the only way
mistakes are like
minimized in islam because we have
guidance
when in the month end of the month of
rajab
is
event just has you know the
commemoration of the event of the night
journey and the ascension to heaven so
that's one month of rajab is one of the
four forbidden months
that's a whole topic so it's a beautiful
sacred month
and now we're coming into sha'ban and
after shabbat is ramadan and ramadan
allah made it very simple for us why
ramadan is a big deal in the mind of
every muslim it's because the month we
fast them
according to the quran it's a big deal
because it's the month in which the
quran was revealed
so i have another presentation about
ramadan and it's called winning this
ramadan and it's a whole other
presentation
but
we are about to fast in ramadan because
ramadan was the month of the quran in
which the quran was revealed
and allah in one ayah in sign for us
also what is the quran so allah
mentioned three items
it's the month in which the quran was
revealed
what's the quran
1 pan
guidance to mankind
specific detailed guidance
and a criteria
between right and wrong good and bad
truth and falsehood
harm and benefit
like clear cut
criteria in which that you are not left
with confusion
so these are the three definitions that
allah gave to the quran
after saying this quran was revealed in
the month of ramadan
this is very helpful to us because one
we need guidance think of guidance as
the gps on your phone
you give it you wanna you put the goal
and then it shows you the shortest the
shortest
distance between you and that
destination and it gives you turn by
turn
to the shortest
distance between you and destination
why i keep on emphasizing on the
shortest because in elementary they
taught us a rule
and you all know
the shortest distance between two points
is
a straight line only one remembers
did you grow up in america
yeah okay because most american
three out of four americans when they're
asked does the earth orbit the sun or
the sun orbits the earth they get the
answer wrong
believe it or not
so the idea here is
um
shortest distance between two points is
straight line hence
very interesting
in surat al-fatiha we don't pray we
don't say ahina
because allah knows what you're thinking
about
do you know why people don't follow
faith
the faithful don't follow their faith
because they think of it as the long run
they just want to do things in the
shortest distance
shortcut oh i know islam i love islam
it's beautiful this and this and that
inshallah when i become
60 i will follow
after 40 i'll go to hajj and start
praying and follow but now i just need
to be fast and quick and you know get
things done fast actually islam is the
shortest distance
hence
the straight path
between you and success in this world
and the hereafter any shorter
and you there will be a damage on
yourself or on others
any longer and there will be a damage
time energy health
mind wasted
because you took the longer route or the
shorter route and you refuse to take the
straight route which is the shortest
distance between two points
this is very relevant to our topic here
because there's so many ways that people
can approach this issue of marriage
after all we live in america
america is a western nation and things
keep on you know happening and evolving
and the new ideas keep on coming and
this and that the society as a whole
changes and sways sometimes to the right
very conservative sometimes to the left
very liberal
and you know it's we are living in the
middle of that and we're human beings
we're getting affected by all of these
ideas around us it's shaping our mind we
we're not living in a predominantly
muslim society that actually
adheres or appreciates the teachings of
the quran
so you and i did not have a chance to
actually grow up
and count on our life experience that we
were most likely to follow the right
thing
most likely we're not going to follow
the right thing unless we make a
conscious decision and we make a choice
so this is very very important that
we are here inshallah for guidance so i
ask you to read with me
in a voice that you can hear yourself
and read it as in with an intention of
dua we're making dua right now how we're
going to read
so you're ready
[Music]
[Music]
me
so by the way this the light totally
went off so if you have the
um
you have the
double a batteries
because then
i would not be screaming
[Music]
okay
so
let's get into the topic
um really quickly
something we're talking about
approaching that let's just say a few
things about marriage in islam
and in life in general
first one
is that the only lifelong relationship
that you actually get to choose
i ask you and you know the answer to
this question already
did you choose your mom
did you choose your dad
did you choose who your brothers would
be your sisters uncles aunts
grandparents grandmothers
nephews nieces these are long life long
relationships
you came to life you had nothing to do
with it and they had nothing to do with
it you just found each other
this is a lifelong relationship
the only lifelong relationship that you
actually get to choose and you have a
say in it and a choice is actually
marriage hence
whenever we decide to get married we
make a big party why because this is
like i chose this right you know when
was the last time you know you went and
threw a big party because you just had a
new sister or a brother right
you're already bothered by the one who
already exists imagine having more yeah
so the idea is you know this is a choice
the only life so think of it this way
lifelong relationship
that you
a choice so we human beings we like to
choose we like the freedom of choice
that allah gave us and we like to
exercise it and when we especially when
it comes about something like this
choosing a wise partner right it's um
it's it's very fascinating every time i
think about that
you know the location of marriage in
between relationships it's the only long
lifelong relationship that you have to
choose it's the only relationship that
brings
causes um and brings and causes your
continuation
every time i think of this i can't i
can't like i can never not be
fascinated
that i'm actually i i'm actually
one cell from my dad
one cell from my mom
and for these two cells to make the
first cell they had to shed half of
their chromosomes are here half of the
chromosomes here and then join together
to make one cell
the cell that is made of two cells
in each and every one of us is literally
half mob half that that's why
my
profound one of the few advices that i
can give you in life and take it and
cherish it never
no matter for what reason
never hate your mother
you are going to end up hating yourself
and you don't know it
because you will hate half of you
and so don't do it what your dad is
and all the things that they did your
dad is the way he is because that's the
way he is
and it's not your job to raise your debt
it's not your job to raise your money so
relax
and enjoy them the way they are
and they cannot be any different way
so if you have hatred or resentment
towards your parents
because they disagree with you or this
or that
let go of it it's not worth it they will
destroy you from inside it will destroy
you on the cellular level
you are going to destroy every half a
cell in your body it's not worth it
nothing
allah in the quran said
that if your parents are careful
literally it's very interesting sentence
if your parents commit jihad
against you to disbelieve in allah
wow
you know the sahaba all of their parents
were non-muslims they you know once the
how you said
his mother told him you leave us down or
i'm gonna stop eating and drinking and
showering till i die and she did it
but at the last moment he went to her
and said do you know the entire city of
mecca knows that no one is nicer to his
mother than me
my mom
i will not leave islam even if you had a
hundred souls and they left one by one
but other than that i'm still your
loving child and i will do whatever you
ask me to do
so this is very fascinating so if your
parents are not muslim and they're
fighting you leave islam leave islam
leave us now
so what did allah say
same sentence
do not obey them but befriend them do
not obey them but befriend them in one
sentence
do not obey them regarding that stuff
that they're asking you to do but
befriend them in this life with goodness
goodness like something good
nice you understand so this is something
very very very important
so this is something relate marriage
you know as we know brings children
children are the secret of our
continuation even on a spiritual level
what did the rasulullah say when you die
all of your actions cease to exist
except if you have a child that makes
dua for you
did not say a boy
because people mix between that meaning
boy and what i mean
like a child just a child you know when
you say in english
man mankind man you don't mean man you
mean man and woman right men and women
but the word sounds like man right so
just exactly the same without it so
the idea is when you are looking at that
you um
when
when you get married
and you have children
and whether they are your children by
the way according to this hadith
biological children or not a child that
you cause that change in their life
what happens subhanallah allah
will reward you and you will be dead in
your grave
and because of your
son
daughter
son son daughter daughter son lord to
the day of judgment till the last one of
them says
you're sitting in your grave having a
good time relaxing and you're receiving
hassan
making more hassan after you die than
you were able to make when you were
alive imagine you're alive right now
right you're supposed to be making a lot
of good things you can make more good
deeds dead than alive in islam that's
why
i mean come on
a religion that gives you a chance to do
more after dying
sign me up
sign me in i want to become a muslim
right
i can make more
yeah go and build a message in a place
where there is no mystery
how many times can you pray over in one
day
one time even if you wanted to pray for
twice and one day it's not allowed in
your soul
really keep up with the fight right
but you are you died and you build the
masjid
you make the school in this masjid in
this school
there
one hundred people pray
you are sitting in your grave
enjoying your view into gentleman and
then you see
us that inshallah number three the only
relationship that fundamentally changes
your life forever
so
subhanallah i i noticed that when uh
when uh you know they do the matrimonial
and there's a ceremony marriage ceremony
so they said do you agree to be husband
and wife in the movies or whatever or in
the church
do you used to be husband and wife in
the good and the bad the ups and downs
until death do us part
yes yes
exchange of house
but this is an amazing thing about islam
if you want death will not do you apart
one time i was saying that a sister came
after
my lecture said
so i'm gonna be stuck with my husband in
general
you don't have to but it's a choice
right
you don't have to
so the idea here is the only
relationship that has funded that
fundamentally changes your life you know
you can have a friend and you know in
high school the dearest friend you think
they'll be for your friends for life but
they're not then you go to college you
forget about them then you've got an
amazing friend in college but then you
know you're like you know friendships
can come and go but marriage is
something that stays and changes you
forever as well as brotherhood and
sisterhood in islam it changes your life
forever
the the reason why i fell in love with
islam when i was 13 is because there
were 10 boys that invited me to a soccer
game soccer to us in the middle east is
like basketball to you
because of that soccer game literally
at age 13 i am standing in front of you
lecturing
so you know subhanallah so brotherhood
and sister within islam is something
that changes your life
okay so uh
yes
one thing about marriage is
um
it's something that you have to do
now you want to approach marriage but
then you have three disadvantages that
you want to kind of
uh
take care of them one another first
the guidance of allah which we said it's
a turn-by-turn guidance because allah
said it said general guidance it tells
you where you need to go then it's a
specific guidance it gives you
turn-by-turn and then it's criterion
between right and wrong good and bad
good and evil falsely true so on the
journey you're not confused so that's
what allah says
what are the rules
that detailed guidance turned by turn
one for and criterion
so
one of the uh one of the biggest things
that people say how can i apply in the
quran in my daily life one of the things
that really the quran gives you
so much light on your blind spot
is actually marriage
so many ayat and people are about
marriage fascinating
there's more ayat in the quran that
talks about marriage
then there is ayat in the quran that
tells you pray and praise god
it's fascinating
because your prayers on zaka are
connected to your marriage one way or
one because management like is something
good and that's why allah gave us a way
out
if the marriage is not working and
you're not
living for a greater goal and purpose
and you start destroying each other and
you start thinking of each other
negatively so much that you cannot live
your life you can get divorced no
problem
marriage and divorce was so easy at the
time of the prophet salvation and there
was no stigma there
like literally when you read the sahaba
um
it was here in uc davis that i gave a
lecture
and there was a sister here
that was not a muslim and she was going
to law school
and then she
then
happened because of a lecture like this
and the students from uc davis drove to
my house in san mateo
every
friday evening 40 students drove from
here they said we want to learn from you
i said you go to knowledge
knowledge doesn't come to you you want
to learn you come to me so force you to
start going there i'm still in touch
with them they're married they have
children
this and that and one of the people who
drove to my house for two years was this
uh
not muslim sister and in the first
lecture that i gave i spoke about
something how muslims like get married
after divorce right away like we it's
not you know life doesn't stop so you
have stories of
muslim women
they got married they went through the
boom next day they got married
or the man that got married divorced
boom next day they got married and that
didn't settle well with the sister very
well but alhamdulillah after two years
she announced her shahada in my house
and she became a you know a big lawyer
after that
i mean i would rather not name her name
but anyway so
three disadvantages that is going on one
lack of quran sunnah which is the
guidance and the embodiment of the
guidance the prophet saw was the
embodiment of that guidance and it's a
beautiful values right
lack of experience
very interesting thing about marriage
why do you need to learn so much about
marriage before you get married is
because
how can you get experience
you can go to college for 40 years now
you have a major in medicine
you either get married you're not
married you can't study it you can't
just study it right so there is no okay
now you're going to go and get married
for four years then you graduate now you
didn't want to get married
there's nothing like that so
the way to do it is um is actually to
prepare yourself and learn and learn and
ask the people who have experience
so one of the things that um
i see that
you you'll probably see we have members
in our community
that are 18 years old
and they got married when they were 20
they've been married for 60 years for
god's sake
and they should know one thing or two
about medicine
and we lecture them about love and they
like shh
you can't even stay six months married
lack of experience so ask people with
experience allah
you know knowledge in this i have
someone that i go back and i ask who's
older than me by 10 15 years and i
always ask him when i have problems
because he went through it already and
you can give me advice you never grow
from learning you always have to be
learning and you always have to have a
teacher this tradition is gone
subhanallah you guys in order to get a
degree you come to ucas
you go to a class even under covet you
had to attend that class on zoom
you had to have a professor even though
you might sometimes find that your
professor is not really teaching much
but the professor is there
because you can't just go
to college that has zero teachers and
you're going to study on your own you
say i graduated myself
that
that logic makes perfect sense to you
interestingly when it comes to learning
stuff turn on the youtube i learned it
why do you apply double standard how
come you get a teacher
and you get a a a mentor and you get and
this even a doctor when he wants to go
and do the residency they have to sit
with the head of the residency with five
students it's like the shaykh and these
five students wherever they go
he goes they go that's what residency is
right
how come we apply that with the secular
knowledge when it comes to the islamic
account i don't need anybody i'll just
watch youtube videos
let me just remind you that random
knowledge
leads to random people
and random people lives in random life
and random life is very not fun to live
it's a very confusing
life
so always find a teacher and learn with
a teacher that's my advice to you
because that will help you with the
experience and ask people who have
experience in the world of knowledge the
effects of the society and the
environment of you
it's very interesting like we can laugh
about that and we it's no problem to
laugh but consider
the stuff that you've been watching
since you were two years old
consider all these cartoons
consider all of these movies
you just have to be pretty
and have the right shoe size
i think you'll get the best groom
you know the story of cinderella snow
white frozen
what is it the common thing is either
long hair right
pretty face or right shoe size
you know
this gets to your head after a while and
then you start going through you know
different measurements the idea of like
okay how do you approach this whole
thing oh it's supposed to be love
and love has to come suddenly
and it has to be romance
and then when you fall in love then
you're going to get married
this stuff
seeps into you like it goes into your
psyche it goes inside you it makes you
like like think that this is the way to
approach marriage and then we always
end up being victims of that
in the united states and specifically in
the state of california out of every
three marriages there's two divorces and
now it's becoming two and a half
divorces statistically
why because it's just the only thing
that you have to do is you have to have
something called they study it here in
uc davis it's called chemistry
so they come to me we want to get
married now today
step by step
we have
and then six months later one year later
we're not meant for each other
what happened to the biology and
geography and chemistry
what happened to that
oh we're not meant for each other we
unclipped
okay
so you know just consider
these things affect us like and i'm not
accusing you
i am as a victim as much as you because
every culture that did not try its best
to follow the quran and sunnah it's a
disadvantaged culture right so
my
disadvantages as someone who grew up in
the middle east and in the arab world is
different than you were disadvantages it
doesn't make anyone better than the
other but the issue is sometimes we
don't even consider
how much brain watching brainwashing
have i went through
how much do i actually you know know and
what i think i know
how much of the stuff that i learned
that i grew up with and to me it's a
fact that actually it's not good and
it's harmful
you need to consider these things and
when you consider them you start you
know learning doubting yourself they say
that is the beginning of the journey of
certainty from doubt to search to
certainty that's the path to uh
so
when we talk about marriage
one thing that i you know because it's
about approaching that
we all of our country i'm sure i'm gonna
say a word and yoga in every language
it's made its way
marriage is christmas
it's just written
yeah
no it's a choice
it's a choice it's not the inevitable
like it's the inevitable that you would
marry this person no it's the truth
so
use all of your resources to make a good
choice and a right choice and a good and
a profound and
well
informed choice
so just
you you know that you know the the from
an islamic perspective we don't have
fatalism islam we don't have that we are
zombies and just god wrote
our life story and we're just acting the
life story that was given to us allah
gave us freedom of choice
people mix and this is a whole lecture
myself simply people mix between allah
knows allah made you do it
einstein solved that problem first
like someone could be on a different
planet looking at your past and you can
be looking at his future
according to einstein time is above
that's the space time continuum
and it's just slice after slice after
slice so the fact that the future
happened according to einstein the
future already happened
right but it's just a matter of which
clock are you ticking at which clock
because time is relevant and the
relativity theory or the theory of
relativity is what is what einstein sold
it scientifically for us that the idea
is allah knows because allah is not
contained by time and space allah knows
does not eat when allah made you do it
you did it it's your choice it's your
freedom of choice but allah knows
because time is not ticking the clock is
not ticking on the wall
your mind cannot process that my mind
cannot process that why because we can
only function this brain can only
function when there is time and space
you take time and space out our brain
freezes that's why right now the recent
thing in the world of you know
astrophysicist physics is that can we
actually ever get it
because if the big bang came from a no
time no space point of view
then
when we ever figure all the laws of
physics or some of the muslim figures we
will never forget because it's outside
the realm of time and space
when our mind can't even function cannot
even get it
so allah knows does not equally allah
made you do it so marriage is not the
inevitable because allah knows yeah
allah knows because to allah there is no
yesterday today or tomorrow past present
or future but
that's from allah's point of view from
your point of view allah gave you an eye
is a
bubble of time and space in which we can
make a choice so
no one was born today or yesterday this
is means nothing to you in english but
it's a saying in palestine
what does that mean
when you are approaching medicine you're
approaching another person one of the
things that we are taught here you just
look at the person
and if the person today is nice
i'm done i'm ready
nobody's born today nobody's born
yesterday
people
their body their mental body is made of
the number of days and experiences they
live to this point if they are 20 years
old they have 20 years of day and night
and each day had an experience and each
day represents a cell in their body not
the physical body but the mental body
and that's why
you need to learn about the person in
front of you
a person could today be very nice
tomorrow
a person could be moody you meet them
today this week is when they are on a
high note next week they're going to go
in the neural notes and on the low note
they know they don't they don't want to
expose that to you so they won't
disappear
until they get kicked in into the high
note again and then you so
really you need to find out about learn
about the person and you know here's
before i get into any more point another
thing that you've been taught and you
keep on saying it part of it is true and
another part is not true
don't be judgmental
true if what you mean by don't be
judgmental is this person is going to
hell this person is going to heaven
then no
don't be judged
if
your judgment is this person is going to
be bad for the rest of his life
this person is going to be good for the
rest of his life he's solid
then that's a bad judgment you don't
know how the person will evolve or
change
but if
judgment means when i come to choose a
friend
much less than a husband or wife
i need to make a judgment when i come to
choose even a friend a brother or sister
i need to evaluate them because as human
beings we are up on each other
the prophets
said you will have the faith of your
friends so let one of you check who's
his friend look at them because you
can't look at yourself look at them and
see what kind of faith they have meaning
how much committed to faith and that's
how much you are committed to faith the
arabs used to say
which the prophet you know we approved
it is that
tell me who your friend is and i will
tell you who you are
i don't need to know who you are just
let me show me your friends and i'm done
so this idea of i do not want to be
judgmental and therefore under this i
don't want to be judgmental i'm about to
make a life long
decision i'm about to make a
life-changing decision i'm going to come
and say oh i don't want to be judgmental
i'm just going to accept whatever the
person
says
i'm an olympic gold swimmer
gold medal swim collapse i'm going to
take it
no change can you show me the middle oh
i have it at home
anyone can claim anything
you need to walk you need to realize
that you know judgment
we make a judgment like you go to the
store oh i got water you go to the store
and there's pepsi
right in america they say they give you
pepsi or coke right you stand in front
of that thing you start you start you
make a choice you make comparison
contracts which one has more which one
has less which one is cheaper which one
is this and this and that and
interestingly in america they give you
pepsi okay what if i don't want pepsi or
coke
very interesting they condition you and
then they tell you you're free to choose
but actually they've already conditioned
you so the idea here is
you need to we use judgment your mind
use judgment
in every every second of the day
so this idea i'm not going to be
judgmental
yes it's not your business to judge
people to say they're a sinner therefore
they're going to be sinners for the rest
of their life they're less than that but
when i'm coming to choose a friend or
choose a brother or sister or choose a
husband or wife
i need to assist i need to analyze i
need to
get the information i need to look at
the big picture i need to do so much
homework because i am deciding do i want
to be the partner of this person for the
rest of my life there is nothing wrong
with that judgment
that's an actually a judgment that you
have to make we made a judgment our
judgment is there is no god but one god
allah this is the judgment
we made that judgment and muhammad is
his prophetic messenger
you make a judgment every day that you
are not going to go out and start
becoming an alcoholic you make a
judgment that you're not gonna start
using drugs you make a judgment that
you're not gonna eat this genetically
modified food and you're gonna eat this
organic food judgment goes why because
one is harmful and one is beneficial
and just like that amongst people there
are people who are harmful and people
who are beneficial so that's very
get to know their family
right
so the family is where this person grew
up
again but yeah why you want me to make
it to look at their family because you
want me to be judgmental based on this
and this and i'm not asking you to make
your final decision and your only
decision based on his family
but you know they say where did this
flower grow except from this bunch like
there is there's a shrub and flowers
grow
where did the flower grow except from
this bunch like where did it grow on
another team it grew here so you need to
look here
if the person you're trying to choose
look where did they grow how did they
grow up
this has nothing to do with being
negatively judgmental you're not going
to pass a judgment on them for life
you're going to just say
no thank you i don't want a long-term
relationship with you oh yes thank you i
like what i see i got to see your family
i got to see your entire you know this
and i feel you come from an honorable
family
and then you cannot look for a perfect
every family as they say and the you
know the the dark person you know and
and
a good person and someone that bothers
the whole family and someone that makes
the whole day you know
people tell me oh we went to the bishop
and i'm not going back there again why
oh people that are judgmental what
happened there was a lady that kept on
bothering me about my hijab and about
covering my feet
no sister and brother
you know when you invite all of your
family you know your parents there's
always one uncle they don't want to
invite you
and there's one aunt that they don't
want to invite because they make the
life and there is one that is so funny
everyone wants to invite anderson so
loving this invite in every family there
is one you don't pass a judgment on the
whole family because there's one person
that went wrong but you need to look the
law of averages this is a good family
good mom and dad good situation
you are protecting yourself you're about
to get involved with this person and
have children and your children will
call his parents my grandpa and grandma
your children will call his brothers my
uncles or her brothers
my uncles your children will call his
sisters or her sisters
my aunts
you need to know who are they calling my
uncle your children are gonna look up to
them you want to marry into an honorable
family in general not a perfect family
because perfect families don't exist nor
we come from perfect families
but there is an average
you know a medium
something that is good that is very very
important get to know their friends
right and i'm telling you this is like
i'm squeezing for you like uh 25 years
of experience and really counseling
after counseling after counseling after
one case after another seeing the
extremes you know and the law of
averages sometimes it's very easy to
know who a person is by looking at their
friend in college and their friends will
tell you a lot about them because their
friends who lived with them in the same
apartment in the same dorm they will
tell you their strengths and weaknesses
and now you can make a decision okay i
can live with that weakness no problem
so don't take everything that i'm saying
is just being judgmental but remember
marriage is based on you making a
judgment do you want to
be committed to this person for the rest
of your life you really don't want to be
getting married and divorced and married
and divorced even though there is no
stigma but
you know
originally we like to think that we're
going to be married for life that's what
we like to think
so the idea here is get to know their
friends
what are their bones in life
you need to talk about the goals
right this is very very very important
and when people talk
right again we get affected by our
surroundings i want to start my company
and i want to make a lot of money and i
want to do this and i want to do that
good luck you're not going to see him
he's going to be working 24 hours
you're going to have probably a honey
wait no honeymoon you know just one week
not month
so and you're done
so and then look
what do they say when they say why why
faith is very important we will talk
about that because
you know what does it mean to be
faithful
people think i know what you think you
think i say find a good muslim being
someone who prays five times a day and
faster than ramadan and give charity and
probably went to heaven
that's the abcd it's like me telling you
please if you find a husband and wife
make sure they know how to read i mean
come on i'm not gonna say that this is
the abc
having faith how do you know a person
has a faith is when they are ready to
sacrifice to the others to give to the
others
they're selfless
that's someone you want to marry
because what i see today is like this
guy has a picture it is
i'm gonna go to get this truck
buy this car and then i'm gonna get me
this woman and it's all gonna fit in a
nice picture we're gonna take that
selfie picture and i'm gonna send it to
my friends and i'm gonna leave it i'm
killing it
i'm living here
check me out
look at me
and nobody says this is a lot
the whole thing falls apart right so i
feel like i feel like it's a cut and
base like i have this is why i hear
people they don't hear themselves and i
advise them they come and they say i
have this and i have that and i listen
i'm just missing cut
paste
i'm missing this girl or the girl is i
have this and i have this i'm just
missing a guy a cut and paste you want
to make sure that you find someone that
fits in your picture did you ever think
do you fit in their picture
even because when you don't have faith
you become selfish
the worst thing you can do for yourself
in your life is to marry a selfish
person
faith
is built on sacrifice built on zakah
built on giving fasting we're supposed
to fast to feel the pension so that we
can get more
our entire faith allah tells us you're
here to serve humanity you're here to
serve allah's creation and that's your
test in life and that's how you get to
go to jannah
so when you when when you hear someone
says find a good muslim fighter
it's not just like praying five times
that's the abc that's a given we're not
gonna talk about that
but we will talk about
do they live for a greater purpose do
they volunteer
when you hear them talking do you hear
them talking oh i had to run the other
day and i had to go to my mom and dad
and help them you know shop
or i had to go oh my god my mom had a
doctor appointment and i had to go and
help her out
listen carefully these are hands if a
person doesn't have a time for his own
mom and dad you think he's gonna have
time for you
one year will go by and he's not gonna
have time for you if the one who brought
him to life said him raised him did not
sleep next to his bed did everything for
him he could careless doesn't have time
i'm just busy with my individual success
that's what capitalism does
individualism
materialism that leads to deep
depression
because the human is not allah did not
create us like that just money money
money
what are you going to do with mutual you
want relationships you want love
every human being wakes up every morning
in need of two things love and respect
you need to give them and receive them
otherwise you become psychologically
disturbed
and these are the foundations of
marriage respect first and love that is
built on respect
each human
their emotional body needs these two
every day
evaluate their faith and character this
is very important evaluate their faith
and character and again you think of
that oh being judgmental no we're not
talking about being judgmental again
salah is a commitment
the one who prays five times a day for
life is good with commitment you want to
marry want someone good with commitment
someone cannot even keep their prayers
cannot keep their fasting when they on
when they off with god
with you what they're gonna do
so you need to check yourself out maybe
i'm talking about you i'm not talking
about the other person so you need to go
and get because you all know marriage is
a commitment
how how do you get to the commitment
part where is the training for
commitment where is the training for
consistency and persistency it's in
salon
salah makes you committed like dead or
alive you're gonna wake up even like
dead sleep you're gonna wake up you're
gonna make
and you're gonna pray
luckily you don't live in a muslim
country where you do have to go and pray
in the messy you just pray next to the
bed
once you see salam
you turn around and you fall asleep
again right
you can do that but you're going to wake
up and you're going to pray
you're not going to let go of that
because that's commitment you're going
to fast
because that's commitment you're going
to give charity and zakah even when you
don't have money to give charity because
that's a commitment and that's
selflessness and that makes you good and
pure and and lovely like it makes you a
good light will shine through you
so the idea here was when you look at
faith you know what allah says
and they advise each other to stick to
the truth consistency in following the
truth what their was always solved and
they asked themselves to have to be
consistent with and patient patient
please hold on to your faith hold on to
your faith be consistent it's another
day it's a good day when you pray five
times a day it's a good day when you're
fast it's a good if allah give you an
excuse because you're traveling or
you're going through your period or
whatever
that's part of the commitment when allah
gives us a break allah gives us a break
we take it and we say
no
so this is
faith you need to look at faith with the
bigger picture here
we're not again talking about just pray
five times a day and this and that
and again i'm gonna go and i i'm i
really have so much love and respect to
uh the sisters who wear hijab
and to the brothers who wear a kofi and
a beard but is your d in the piece of
scarf or in the hair
you know that you know what's the
easiest thing to do in life
not to shave
and it will grow by itself
zero effort
so do someone have a
if she has a scarf on her head that's it
no but that's part of his stuff i love
the beard and i love to see our brothers
wearing a beard
this
of all believing women from hawaii the
first woman until today
is the head scarf and the modest
dressing
that is one of the things but that's not
the only thing
that's just one of the things so we need
to as they say look beyond the beard and
look beyond the veil
to the person who's inside that beard
and inside that veil inside that that
this it's not the only thing it's just
another thing that we add to the list
that i'm doing now right so this is very
important because i'm going to tell you
something you can find someone
also this is the advice of the prophet
the second word character
someone can be praying five times a day
and fascinating ramadan but their
character they're very obnoxious
you can't live with them one day
but god bless them with their lord
they're amazing but they need to work on
their personality so it fascinates me
that our dear beloved prophet salallahu
says what
you need to
faith and character not faith alone
you're going to live with the other
person's character
if constantly his character is to
ridicule mock ready you will make fun of
me you're going to live with someone
who's ridiculing you and mocking you and
making fun of you for the rest of your
life that's not someone you want to live
with
interestingly recently like you know
what happens is if someone is funny and
they joke all the time joking all the
time and they can't have a serious
moment they become popular they become
known but you need really in life you
need to joke and laugh and have time and
you need to have seriousness there's
moments the only thing you can do is cry
when someone comes to you and says my
mom passed away what do you do
you cry you're crying
you don't laugh
laughing is not for everything
sometimes the most sincere thing that we
can experience it's actually sadness
sadness grounds you sadness you know
makes you you know
so
i am one of the people that think that
you know twice like two weeks a year if
you get depressed it's good for you
like it it anchors you it makes you
heavy strong anchored you know so you
know let's not give depression a bad
name you know depression that is
deep depression may allah save us all
from it and if we are in it may allah
take us out of it but you know not not
any depression is a bad decision i'm
depressed about the state of muslims
and i believe that that's a good
character
i have to be and that depression leads
me to action so
sacrifice and giving i talked about that
faith is about giving giving sacrifice
you want to have a selfless spouse you
don't want to have a selfish spouse you
know it's very interesting in islam
the way
to selfishness is selflessness how you
become selfish in islam
is when you give you give you give you
so happy
the selfish person what did he want why
did he not give why did she not give
because she wanted to save it for
herself or she can be happy he can be
happy
but actually
selflessness
reached to the goal that selfish people
use to reach to the same goal they don't
preach and the selfless person religious
which is happiness satisfaction deep
sense of peace and happiness that cannot
be described with words
so the best way to selfishness is
selflessness
give give here so it's a big item
consistency and ability to change
so you want someone who's consistent and
you want someone ability to change when
you're going through the getting to know
the person do they accept advice can
they take an advice or anyone that gives
them advice that's it you're not my
friend you're judgmental you stepped on
my jokes is there always who do you
think you are you think you're better
than me
again like i i was when i was sitting
down and saying like
what do i think that
one concept that we need to revive in
the um
so the idea of tawasa is the waso by the
way plural verb in the past tense past
continuous terms so that means a group
of people that advise one another the
prophet
salallahu made of two words
is one of the most profound
is advice
it's a islam is a communal faith we're
supposed to help one another the prophet
saw ourselves
the believer is the mirror of the
believer
so we have to
what
be manners for one another advise one
another so if someone cannot take advice
how in the world you're going to live
with them for the rest of their life
they cannot take any questions any
advice is an insult
please
can you not leave your clothes on the
bathroom floor
basketball
very very simple but when a person never
got used to taking an advice or take a
resistance anything will become an
insult you cannot be that sensitive in
life life will not move on if you are
that sensitive you really have to take
it to the getting of soul right
you should be so comfortable that when
someone says you know um
something that you actually can joke
about and say yeah i actually do more
than that you've seen nothing that's
when you feel that you can take an
advice you can take criticism how in the
world are we gonna grow
and you know america america is
established on criticism
like you know this
like this academic medium how do you
come with with research so when someone
writes a paper
about you know modifying a
rice grain
so another person cannot write another
paper criticizing the other people yes
they can that's how you improve as a
nation criticism criticism criticism
criticism but it's constructive
criticism and not destructive criticism
so that's something that you want to
find in a person ask yourself can i take
an advice if you can't take an advice
and any advice is an insult you're not
ready for marriage wait until you mature
maturity is a big thing in marriage
right so
now we come to the fun part the idea of
the
of love
okay
any questions so far
we're about to end here in java so
how much time do i have comparing to
when we started
we're just talking about that
we have the room until nine but go ahead
and just
take your time maybe until 9 15 9 20 and
then hopefully this one and then we have
to move to another morning
all right
look everything is about love in america
and the only way that you get to
marriage is true love
obviously i am telling you now loud and
clear you want to marry someone that you
love
for sure
you really don't want to marry someone
that you hate and you really don't want
to make someone that does not move in
you anything any emotions i'm not saying
but let's look at love in a different
way number one
love is a very small emotion and could
be the strongest spiritual experience
what can we offer a lot more than love
how much does allah talk about the love
between him and the believers
so we have to take this word love and we
have to put it back where it belongs
because i'll show you what happened to
the word love
love
is a very strong emotional
very strong emotion
and
it's a and could be the strongest
spiritual experience that we could love
has nothing to do with physical
attraction this is what we have done in
the modern context of the word love
oh they went and made love
all of a sudden
the word love that has never been used
in the history of mankind and its
literature
has never been used to describe the
physical act that takes between a man
and a woman now it was taken from that
most
strongest emotion the most
strongest connection you can have with
another person emotional and spiritual
connection and they downsized into one
to physical
how how in the world can i take the word
love and make it about the the
animalistic act that is part of our life
right how can i downsize it so i love my
mother
i love my father
i love my sister
i love my aunt i love my niece i love
so how in the world do i use that word
right now
when it has been so downgraded and once
you downgrade it
after you downgrade it you build an
argument on it and the argument sounds
very very convincing but you really have
to be smart so what does the argument
say why shall you judge why shall you be
judged by whom you love
who said that you should ever be judged
by whom
but what do you mean by the word love
here by whom you love is by whom you're
having the physical act or by whom you
love by whom you love emotion
because i'll tell you there is no
culture on the planet
that has so much love going between men
and men and women and women than the
muslim culture
we hold hands we hug and we kiss and we
you know we roommates and we cook for
each other we visit each other in the
hospital and we committed for life
and
more than that we are encouraged it's
actually considered an act of worship oh
my god the man came to the bottom
i love him
did you did you tell him
he said
because the arabs were not used to that
culture no man tells another man i love
you the prophet said to him go and tell
him that you love him
so the man is like oh my god why did i
bring that on myself i cannot disobey
the prophet right now i have to wad
i love you man
right
i love you for the sake of allah you
understand
that was
right you know the the islam changed the
arabian culture itself like for example
the arabs would never put men and women
in one building with no barrier in
between that was the message of the
prophet
do you know how many people converted in
medina just to go to the masjid
do you know what these the last they
will go to the last line of men this is
new muslims and then they became the
best muslims
they go to the last line of men and
women will go to the first line of women
and they'll be like a report checking
each other out
wow
we don't have that
they just only families they are
chivalry don't look at my wife to look
at my husband so they're all separated
so when islam brought them in the masjid
in medina oh my god do you know how many
sahaba told their wives don't go to the
messenger
and the wives had to go and complain to
the prophet and the prophet had to go
and say do not stop your wife from
coming to the ministry
so actually islam brought liberalism to
the arabian culture but subhanallah with
that
dressing well
and allah said if you wanna if a man and
woman should be talking about something
they should talk about something
honorable
if they are going to talk about another
conversation like personal i'm talking
about you and you're talking about me
you have to make your intentions
declared before that that we are
considering each other for marriage
that's why i'm talking about you and
we're talking about me it has to be
clear but just flirting around and
playing with people's emotions is not
something we do in islam
but islam wanted men and women to be in
one group praying to allah together with
no wall or barrier
because allah wants us to see each other
and then maybe when we go to the masjid
together this and we see and we get to
know oversaw the messenger then we start
from there we get married how do you
think the sahaba god made it they saw
each other in the midst
so allah opened that room and space for
interaction honorably honorably not
dishonorably and as we would see there's
actually
most muslims don't know this even the
adults so don't feel that
do you know there's one ayah in the
quran that says do not
but do not have
boyfriends and lovers
and there's another ayah that says but
do not have
girlfriends and lovers
do you know that in the quran says you
can't have a boyfriend
it's not like we are imagining this
stuff
because there is not we are just friends
you know you can go to ted talk and just
put we are just friends and there is a
non-muslim lady that explains that
psychologically statistically medically
psychologically physically there's no we
are just friends it never ends we're
just friends
and that's not even a muslim who did a
research anyway so
let's restore the word love to where it
belongs it's a very beautiful emotion
that we
can connect to the deepest level with
another person it could be my mom my dad
that could be my husband my wife but
that has nothing to do
with a physical attraction today
love
and marriage is all about what physical
attraction no that's not what that's
physical attraction and that's fine too
and that's part of life but that's not
called love
and you shall not make a decision based
on solely physical injection as the
prophet saw
love is an emotion we don't make a
decision based on emotions
allah gave us a mind for the reason we
need to use our minds emotions we use
them to connect with each other and
connect with allah's creation we don't
make a decision based on the world
you make me mad i'm i hate you today i
don't make a decision based on i hate
you i don't make a decision based on i
love you i don't make a decision
basically you're bothering me i'm
irritated i'm annoyed by you we don't
make decisions these aren't emotions we
enjoy them we because one day we're
happy when they were sad when they were
out but we don't make decisions these
are this is these emotions are what
makes us human
so we enjoy them but we don't make
decisions based on them and that's a
huge difference right love is not enough
verify first and love second this is the
whole idea you know
it's like the movies oh he didn't wasn't
thinking about her she wasn't thinking
about him but they were walking in the
school and they looked at each other and
then the musical background was oh
chemistry class and then we're going to
get married
that's not that's not
how it goes it's actually it's you know
you don't make a decision based on that
you need to verify first
and then you go and
and verify means all the steps that we
mentioned before ask about the family
ask about this and ask the people who
have knowledge um
is two types
and that's really fascinating because
allah mentions that in the quran the
love of giving and the love of taking
so this is how it goes in in our
surrounding
if you take me out to the movies oh i
like you
you take me out to dinner after the
movies
oh my god if you bring flowers to the
dinner
you bring me a gift i love you
and then sometimes we're very honest
with each other and we say
i love the way he makes me feel
i love the way she makes me feel
that sounds good but do you know how
dangerous is that
because what happens when he does not
make you feel that way
if you take me out to the movies i love
you take me up to dinner i love you
bring me flowers i love you bring me
kids i love you too i love you make me
laugh i love you
but if he doesn't do any of it
one day one week one month
what i found today after deep analysis
is that when people in america today
and not everyone obviously i'm just
saying in general when someone says i
love you they actually mean they don't
know what they actually mean i love me
they don't need i love you i love you
means this i looked at you i evaluated
you i saw a driven person
driven in their education driven in
their businesses driven in for their
umla driven for sacrifice driven for
giving
driven by how they like how how you
treat your parents
how you treat your brothers and sisters
how you treat your neighbors how you
treat your extended family how you treat
your friends how you always there for
others you you i evaluated and after i
looked at everything i love you
just you whether i'm gonna get married
to you or not get married to you i love
you
that's i love you
and that has nothing to do with how you
make me feel
you need to differentiate between i love
you and i love me
we all love me there's no problem right
but you need to differentiate between oh
i love the way he makes me feel oh
and it's bound to happen you know it's
not only bound that he's not gonna make
you feel happy one day it's bound that
you're gonna fight with each other
and that day you're gonna hate his guts
but we don't build relationship on today
we fall so we love others no no i love
you
despite our relationship
that will keep the relationship growing
and growing and growing because like i
admire you i love you means i admire you
i love you means i love
what you stand for right i love what you
stand for
so the idea is
what do you stand for
do you love what you stand for
how active are you
masha'allah the sister was walking me
and she said that you have a political
committee for yemen
and you have a you have a
you know another committee for serving
the students and you have a committee
for making these lectures masha'allah
amazing may allah give you one may allah
give you the best may allah give you
more ability to you know
to give and and and be there because
that's something admirable i tell all of
you i love you in the sake of allah in
the name of allah for the sake of allah
because that's something very beautiful
for you to even show up tonight i want
to learn about your name you know
whether you want to get married soon or
not that's a different issue but the
idea that you wanted that you want to
give that you are there for each other
that you want to know one another that
you want to serve one another you want
to be there this is honorable this is
something that you should love about
another person
now
just so that you know like when we talk
about the human this is this is an
eight-week sports that i hit like the
seven-layer burrito that we have you
know the seven layer that we made
is the spokesperson of the body that
represents your uh
represents your
needs and wants
desires
desires are ones
sleeping eating
[Music]
you know drinking is a need so your next
is responsible for your needs and wants
and desires right so there's that part
of you that we call next right then the
other part that we call foreign
in the modern arabic language and in the
modern even urdu i think
in some other languages the word
means heart i love you with all of my
heart interestingly every time the word
mentioned in the quran it means
the
mental heart the deep mind
it never means
so allah says the deep understanding in
the human habits
now people when they have time says oh
that's where the love and the emotions
no that's in the quran
when she when she put him in the
and she when she went to pick him up she
couldn't find him allah said she woke up
with an empty heart here life is
shredded apart with her heart is empty
she woke up with an empty heart so which
means where the emotions happen
right so
also
allah subhanahu wa in the quran uses the
word
which is like you can have to think
about like the ram and the hard drive
the frontal processor front load
processor versus the back in the
processor the deep consciousness in the
pipe versus the frontal
consciousness which in the mind and the
mind itself has different centers
so allah jesus in the quran i gave you
hearts
hearts
where if you study the brain anatomy
today and how doctors talk about it the
the mind is divided into like areas in
each area is responsible each area is a
heart in itself a center in itself right
so it's not only talking about
the heart that is pumping in the in the
chest then you have your room and then
you have your death why did i bring this
in this presentation
for you who are good at math
what is the percentage of the body
comparing to the rest give me uh
20
they are not five if they're five they
would have been twenty percent they're
not six they're seven so what is the
percentage
fourteen percent
so this is just consider this this is
how important it is to learn islam
fourteen percent of you we can see you
can see i can see you can see yourself
and you can see
86
is in the dark
and that's why we need allah and islam
to tell us about that which is in the
darkness we have no means of knowing
what it is
if it wasn't for the book of allah we
didn't even know
i mean the human psychology and this and
this and the spirit and they're not and
the metaphysics and they're just
confused
but in islam
clear one two three four five six seven
seven skies seven allah seven say seven
layers of view it's all back to back
right so when we're looking here
what's happening today the judgment is
made according to the hadith about these
four you know
men desire women and women desire men
based
on these four number one physical
attraction appearance
14 of the person in front of you that's
all what you're looking at
and most of us make decision solely
based on that when we are way much more
than that number two financial status
rich or not rich
number three family status a number four
faith the prophet salallahu choose the
one with faith make the foundation faith
then choose anything else after that
there's nothing in islam says if the
person who is asking for you or you are
asking for them has faith and good
character that's it marry them you have
somebody
you can choose
after you find the faith then you look
for the personality you look for the
character then you look if you actually
click or not after mystery or not have
love or not have the same goals in life
or not have the same family situation
understand each other or not attracted
to one another none of that is a problem
you can have all of that but you build
it on a foundation why if you don't have
the foundation of faith the prophet saws
in your hands have ended up with nothing
but dirt
what did allah create our body from
there
do you know where we get gold and silver
from
we don't diamonds we don't get them from
clouds
and way deep in the
dirt do you know what plants grew up
from
there
do you know what animals that eat plants
what they're creating
and you know that animals that eat
animals eat plants
people used to make fun of us but now
they found out we have magnesium and we
have potassium we have islands the
funniest thing when you go to the lake
and say oh your iron is low
i feel like iron man now so what am i
going to suppose
or something
but it's very funny like iron magnesium
potassium we're talking about dirt
people used to be make fun of islam
because of that now it's science
just like they made fun of islam for so
many years that the prophet went from
mecca to jerusalem and came back in one
night when today is exactly you can do
that with a flight
but for a long time we've been ridiculed
for a long time would be ridiculous for
fasting
oh
i'm glad for the last two three years a
tall
and the japanese guy got the nobel prize
and everybody's talking about fasting
and do you like
wet fasting what do you like dry fast
what is that
oh you don't eat or drink
oh
you call that dry fasting
now everybody's talking about fasting
one of the best ways to prevent sickness
boost your immune system and even
prevent cancer because it causes the
cell to go to that garbage bag in every
cell which has broken dna it takes it it
cleans it up and it builds itself back
from it so it reduces the chances that
that dna will go crazy and will make
that cell goes you know haywire and end
up a cancerous cell so its own flu
fasting so the idea here is
you know physical attraction where do we
get our bodies made of dirt
the plants that we eat are made of the
animals that we eat are made of dirt
and that's why when people really think
about dirt dirt dirt and i want more
dirt can i have some of that no i like
this dirt can i have more of that dirt
then they become dirty people
islam wants to sanitize you right so
this is very very important for us so
this is something that we need to
consider faith is the foundation and
then build on it anything you want
someone that you like the personality no
problem you like you know their physical
appearance no problem you can add that
after you have the foundation of faith
so
steps of getting married and i will end
with this people ask like how do we get
married at in islam so this is three
steps
or
wedding night so what is
islam says that when someone is
considered someone there's this boy
considering this girl
the second they make their their
intentions public like his family talks
to her family and now these two families
are considering one another and these
two individuals are considering one
another they did not say yes to one
another yet they're just considering one
another that in the quranic language is
called
in our modern language it means
engagement
but not the quranic
so in islam there is a period in which
two people are considering one
islam tells us if i know this girl is
talking to this guy considering each
other for marriage it is haram for me
to get in between
don't talk to him consider me
don't talk to her you know
consider me
the prophet
let not one of you go and do a hutbach
over the
his brother or sister
and let not one of you go and make a
sale over a sale of his brother's sister
so i go to a wholesaler how much you
will send me all of this rice or i'll
sell it to you
five dollars a pound okay deal i'll buy
a thousand pounds from you someone comes
how much you sold the 25 i'll pay you
six just delete the deal with him and
give it to me that's called a sale over
a sale
do not do that to each other the prophet
sallallahu because it's going to create
hatred
so the first step
is the two families are talking the two
individuals are talking and in this step
i just want you to consider one thing
i see obviously in every generation not
only your generation all those kids
clash with their parents about their
parents saying yes or no
so
i want to tell you this
just listen
to your mom and dad
and put your emotions aside
because islam the way it does it the way
islam is supposed to work is
talking talking talking talking talking
talking the second they reach to a
conclusion if yes
it moves to marriage and love
if no everybody goes his own way
but nobody's evaluating the other while
they are masked with love the prophet
sallallahu alaihi when you love
something you become deaf and blind
deaf and blind you can't see you can't
hear that's it that's what i want leave
me alone
so islam encourages that you before you
completely fall in love you might like
the person
before you completely fall in love go
through the process of what we talked
about evaluation
evaluate the person before you say yes
by the time you are ready to say yes you
obviously have fell in love with the
person but you didn't fall in love first
and then consider them
you don't want to do that to yourself
because you're going to pay the price
for them
usually we don't make good decisions
when we make emotional decisions
so
you can see the person from a distance
okay i like him i like her okay that's
not called love that's called isla i
want to consider this person
let's find out who are his friends who's
his family what's his past what are his
goals how is his faith how is his
personality how's his character how is
his habits what is he running for what
is he doing how is he sacrificed huh why
why am i pursuing because i like the
person that's not called love that's
called i like the person
i want to consider that person no
problem with that because we're human
beings you're not going to pursue
something that you don't like
after you do the verification and after
you go through the process now you move
to what two okay let's go and get
serious in the conversation once we get
seized in opposition you like the person
say yes say yes you go and move to the
next step
or the marriage contact
um it's a mess
so the idea is
you know then you're gonna get men and
now you obviously you will not go and
say yes to another person if you don't
love them obviously the love has kicked
in right now but you verified first
before you fell in love so here's i want
you to consider many of you immediately
go ahead on collision with your parents
now i will give you
that there is anywhere between five
percent to eight percent of parents that
are difficult very hard to deal with
mission impossible and many times
they're not right but consider that it's
in the 90th person time that your
parents are right in your role
your parents are not your animals
i tell people this
in general if someone
brought you to life
raised you gave you everything including
to this point
20 years of sacrifice
if you are ready
to sell them for someone that you just
came to know two months ago
that's a problem
your parents are not your enemy
and whether you like it or not yes your
parents knew you before you knew
yourself
knew your personality the day you were
born
raised you cherished you and your
parents are not angels and they're not
right all the time i'm not saying that
but give them your ear consider listen
to them
okay mom you say no to this person
why can you please listen you know
you've got 40 50 years of experience
under their belt
listen to that experience why the first
point that we talked about the
disadvantage is there is nothing in
marriage that
there's nothing in marriage no college
for four years to get a certificate so
you have to build on other people's
experiences the best people is your
parents just listen just listen
promise me that you would listen with an
open mind and open heart and then
evaluate what your mom and dad are
saying
most of the time they're seeing pieces
of perils gems of wisdom
but you're not there yet you're not
mature you're just basing the whole
thing on
we fell in love
we clicked we had chemistry
she's looking your mom and dad are
looking for a lifelong
there has to be someone who's making a
living there has to be this to be that
don't marry someone's potential that's
the biggest mistake people do in
marriage you can see the person in front
of you
but you're saying no they will change
consider that they will never change are
you able to live with them like this if
they never change if the answer is yes
we'll marry them if the answer is no
don't marry someone's potential manage
someone's deal right now one of the most
fascinating stories that i went through
a sister called me to process divorce
after a year and a half to two years of
marriage
she shared her story with me and this
happened like 10 years ago
they both were muslims in a public
school and they fell in love with each
other and they went to their parents and
said we want to get married
first year of high school the parents
said wait
wait until you finish high school okay
so they waited
they didn't do harm very honorable
they went to college let's get married i
said wait until you go to college until
you finish up so they waited four years
how long is the love story
eight years
eight years she can see he has a problem
that he needs treatment for he needs
someone to treat him for what's the
problem
very
out of out of the order
nothing really bad
addicted to video game
and will stay up to four or five a.m
playing video games
they could not wait for the day that
they graduated
they got together and they got married
everything's on
in two years he got kicked out of three
four jobs while she's getting promoted
promoted promoted
and he cannot keep a single job he
cannot be the man of the house he cannot
be somebody he cannot be successful
how am i gonna be married for the rest
of my life to a husband that keeps on
playing and missing his job and walking
up to him and get fired and fired and
fired and after that nobody's hiring him
because companies you know the word
spread around
what did she tell you
i saw that in him and i knew it hundred
percent
but i just kept on saying he would
change he would change he would say and
i never knew that it would rule and she
for sure divorced him and moved on and
got married again and now she's happy
so sometimes
like really a love story of 80 years oh
my god it broke my heart i tried with
him and he said to me sheikh don't try
say what he said
i will tell you i'm
and i love her so much that she needs to
move on with her life
so don't marry someone sometimes one
thing if you don't like what you see
don't bury someone's potential marry
what you have right now and that's
something that you need to be like
mature so you you really have to sense
maturity i'm very fascinated that the
prophet said in the arabian society
that boys get married at age 14 and 15
and 16 he got married at age 25.
very impressive
i personally admitted that age 27
since age 17 i always looked older than
my age so when i was 17 i looked like 25
and i was like 20 i looked like 30 and
when i was 25 i looked like 40. i still
remember i took
uh senior citizens
that came from another church to visit
our visit in northwest indiana
so they were saying how old are you i
said no i'm just young i didn't want to
like hurt their feelings they're all in
their 80s i'm 25 years old and the other
person say oh he's young i think he's 40
years old
i look 40 years old you broke my heart
you hurt my feelings man anyway but
that's my problem so since age 17 people
have been telling me get mad get married
get married and i'm like i can't i can
tell you i am not mature
if i get married today i will get
divorced tomorrow like
like
it's like i'm i can sense that i don't
have the patience i don't have the
maturity tell us at age 27 it clicked in
my head i'm mature right now
if if someone makes you mad
right and this is another thing i want
you to go home and have a homework be
good to your parents
and be good to your brothers and sisters
because
if just because someone that you've
known for a long time you become mean to
them
the person you're going to marry do you
want to be married for a long time and
you're going to end up being mean to
them
be nice to your brothers be nice to your
sisters be nice to your parents because
that will speak volumes about you don't
allow yourself just because you know
someone for a long time to be rude to
them it's not an excuse
it's not an excuse
really be genuine and be nice because if
you can't be nice to your own blood and
brothers and sisters that mom and dad
it's only a matter of five to six months
maybe one year before you turn on your
spouse and you become
rude and ugly to them you don't want
that to happen and that will ruin the
entire relationship this is in which
allah says
and
you men cannot take women lovers and you
women cannot take men as lovers but you
know this is one ayah actually
actually it's two ayah but the one who
prepared a presentation for me thought
that is actually one
is boyfriend that you go all the way
including physical relationship with
because that was the culture of arabia
before islam
having a boyfriend and a girlfriend with
a physical relationship islam changed
so allah mentioned that in the quran
just in case just wanted to add that and
i will stop here
and say so
i'll leave it up to you question and
answer move out of the room that's your
administration of the
[Applause]
[Music]
um all right
[Music]

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