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Loving Muhammad Series 3: Episode 7 | Money or Marriage? Part 1

Shaykh Alauddin ElBakri (unverified)

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In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious
, the Most Merciful. All praise is due
to Allah. And peace and blessings be
upon the Messenger of Allah, and upon
his family, his companions, and those
who followed him. O Allah, teach us
what benefits us. And benefit us with
what You have taught us. And increase
us in knowledge. O Allah, show us the
truth as truth, and enable us to follow
it. And show us falsehood as falsehood,
and enable us to avoid it. Make us
among Your righteous, God-fearing, and
truthful servants. And make us among
Your grateful, patient, and sincere
servants. And make us among the
inheritors of the Garden of Bliss, by
Your mercy, O Most Merciful of the
merciful. O Allah, amen. Allah, may He
be glorified and exalted. We praise Him
. We seek His help. We seek His
guidance. We seek His forgiveness. May
the peace and blessings of Allah be
upon him and his family. We praise Him.
We seek His help. We seek His guidance.
We seek His forgiveness. Peace and
blessings be upon him. Surah Al-Fatihah
. We praise Him. All praise is due to
Allah, Lord of the worlds. You alone we
worship, and You alone we ask for help.
We seek His help. Number two. And we
seek His guidance; guide us to the
straight path. And we seek His
forgiveness; not of those who are
astray. Amen. Surah Al-Fatihah. Hadith.
Al-Fatihah. As Allah wills (Masha Allah
). need for surveys needed topics. so
starting today. because there are
introductions and mindsets. and then
there are technical steps that need to
be taken. So when we tackle the topic
of marriage, uh, and the topic of our
, you know, our topic title is money
or marriage, right? Uh, so basically
career or family, in other words. So
then we have to talk about the mindset
for that. R (or: Lord). Peace and
blessings be upon him. number. think
about how to go to marry. how there is
the rule and exception for us. we, not
, you know, community have easy how to
go as you Halal (lawful). Haram (
prohibited). Haram (prohibited).
Khalwah (seclusion). are with not even
religiously brings about the damage
that is done to women and to the girl
is more than the damage done to the boy
. on the ground reality. So then it
becomes so much injustice and we have
to address all of these things. I
thought that to answer the topic
without any ill. This can be the
shortest lecture I can ever give you.
Because asking questions from Hadith.
So the thing about you. Question for
men who have not been married before.
Or they have been married but the
marriage didn't last for long. So they
are still in the beginning. They still
have for all intents and purposes. They
have not gotten married. Peace and
blessings be upon him. number. So marry
point man to get married so. So it's
fun. The purpose of making is to get
married. How much I enough daily life
experience. Why make So first question,
second question: Why do we get married?
Which is another mindset. And I will
tackle that in the second part of my
speech. Because it is very important.
And if I, forgive me, why do we get
married? ask my mind is how do my life
go from 13 to 18 let go, and by 18 to
be more mature. But actually, science
tells us that the brain finishes
growing its frontal lobe at age 25.
It's very interesting to me that the
Prophet got married at 25. For Arabian
society, he was at least 10 to 12 years
late. So people got married at 15.
That's late. 15 or 16 for a man. For a
girl, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, or 11, it depends
. Right after puberty, that's time for
marriage. So someone that age would
marry someone 14, 15, or 16 years old.
The 11-year-old would marry at 16; you
know, that's the range. That's the
society. And interestingly, when you
study American history up to 200 years
ago, the age of marriage for girls was
around 12 to 13 years. 167 years ago.
13 or 1400 years ago, where men and
women reached puberty very early and
reached growth. Don't. My. 11. And.
Told me. One of the few things from my
grandmother is her telling me about her
marriage story. When she told the story
, there was zero abuse. There was zero
regret. There was zero, "oh my God,
this." Long story short, I was so
beautiful that they could not wait for
me. So I got married at age 11.
Literally, what I remember is my
grandmother taking pride, saying, "Oh
my God.""The girls that waited till 15
or 16, they must have been ugly.""I was
so pretty they had to pick me up at 11.
" Right, that's the narrative that I
remember from my grandmother. And I
think she had her first child at age 13
or 14, and apparently she had 11
children, of which only five survived.
So I have three uncles plus my dad,
that's four. And one surviving aunt. So
four and one, that's five out of 11.
One died at age six months. One died at
delivery. It turned out I had an aunt I
only found out about when I was 30
years old. She lived to age 11, had a
kidney stone, and died because of that
kidney stone. You know, because there
was no medicine. Right. So that's the
story. So the idea here is the Prophet
got married at age 25. It's almost like
, what is age 25? You know, talking
about a Prophet for our times. That's
you finishing college around 22 or 23,
getting a job for a couple of years,
and having enough savings to get
married. It's. Like a modern marriage
story. And then to add to, he gets
married, his first marriage to a
business woman who was 15 years older
than him. Like to shatter all ideas
about age. And oh my god, the wife
cannot be older than the husband, etc,
etc, etc So it's a beautiful example.
The prophet was a great example. So
when we look, O Allah. C. Allah said
some angels have two wings, three wings
, four wings. They don't have male and
female. They don't eat they don't sleep
. Pure energy. No need for none of that
stuff. Are notice. Allah. Meaning.
Muslim. And We have certainly honored
the children of Adam. Allah. And We
carried them on land and sea. People.
And We provided for them from the good
things. Meaning and We provided for
them from the good things. And
preferred them over much of what We
have created, with definite preference.
Meaning He preferred them. Over much of
what We have created, with definite
preference. Allah, Allah. Tr. Allah.
Islam Allah. The believing men and
believing women are allies of one
another. Okay, they enjoin what is
right. And forbid what is wrong. And
establish prayer and give zakah. And
obey Allah and His Messenger. Meaning
by time. Indeed, mankind is in loss.
Except for those who have believed and
done righteous deeds. And advised each
other to truth and advised each other
to patience. They advised each other.
So. this idea of marriage. doesn't
matter. how I think. Allah. mentality
is completely different than the
approach of marriage that you and I
have been subjugated to since our
childhood. From Cinderella to Snow
White to uh Pocahontas. You know they
had to do something away from the white
people after they grilled them and then
they made a black Barbie right. So just
to differentiate themselves from Frozen
, right. So the idea from a child
you're you. And that's it. So we have
been. what is marriage to us; the
approach of Western civilization to
marriage is. I am how. and then we go
for honeymoon. We don't have honeymoon
culture. Our own. Prophet (peace be
upon him) tradition. man if they are
this is first marriage. There is one
week that the husband has to make
himself available to the wife. And the
wife make herself available so it's
like a week right. But the idea is why
am i getting married. because i fall in
love. And I want to feel the positive
energy. And I want to feel the
butterflies in my stomach. And I want
to you know feel the connection. And I
want to travel the world. And I want to
go to to different restaurants together
. And watch movies together. And sit at
home and play games and board games
together and travel the world. The
project keeps on going. Me, I, me,
myself, I, both of us, right. But even
even that, both of us is, also becomes
selfish and. That's why relationships
don't last in this proposal. They don't
last. لأنني لو كنت أبحث
عن مصلحتي فقط، وأبحث
عن المتعة والإثارة.
أتعلم، شهر العسل،
السفر، المطاعم،
الأفلام، والرومانسية
، والنزهات الليلية.
وإذا كان هذا هو الهدف
، وليس مجرد أمر جانبي.
فهذا سيحدث على أي حال.
الإسلام لا يعارض ذلك.
لكن هناك فرق بين شيء
سيحدث طبيعيًا، وهو
أمر صحي، وبين أن يكون
هو الهدف الأساسي. إذا
ذهبت إلى عملك وأصبحت
هكذا، مغرمًا بمكتبك،
وبمكتبك، وآلتك،
ووجبات الغداء
المجانية،
والاجتماعات، والأثاث
، ولعب الجولف بعد
العمل، وغداء العمل،
وعشاء العمل، والسفر
للعمل إلى حيث لا يعلم
إلا الله لحضور مؤتمر.
ونسيت أنك هناك في
الأساس لأداء وظيفة.
جيد. حظًا موفقًا في
الاستمرار لفترة
طويلة. سيتم طردك. هذا
واقعي، فكل ما ذكرته
سيأتي مع الوظيفة،
لكنه ليس السبب في
حصولك عليها، أليس
كذلك؟ ليس هذا هو سبب
دخولك في ذلك العقد.
لذا، عندما يكون النهج
هو المال أو الزواج،
تسمع هذا السؤال حتى
منا نحن. المسلمون
ليسوا محصنين. أي مسلم
تضعه في وسط ما،
سيتأثر بذلك الوسط.
ولهذا السبب أمرنا
الله بمصاحبة
المؤمنين لنتأثر بهم.
والآن، ما الذي أبحث
عنه؟ كجزء من الحياة
لـ لذا، إذا كان الأمر
كذلك، فسيصبح ذلك على
رأس القائمة. وستتفاجأ
: أولًا المظهر، شخصية
مرحة، اجتماعي، يتمتع
بـ، أنت تعلم، و أنه
يحبني. إذًا ببساطة،
يصبح الأمران هما
الأهم: المظهر،
الشخصية، وأنه يحبني.
والشخصية تعني مرح،
اجتماعي، يضحكني. هي
تضحكني. أليس كذلك؟
انظر إلى هذه الأشياء.
تصبح هذه هي الأشياء
الثلاثة الأولى. الآن
تخيل أنك ستنتهي
باتخاذ قرار بناءً على
هذه العناصر الثلاثة.
ستفعل ذلك. ستحظى بشهر
العسل. وستقضي عامًا
جيدًا في ذلك. ثم سيأتي
شخص آخر يثيرك أكثر،
وأكثر إثارة منه، أليس
كذلك؟ ثم يبدأ الخداع.
ويبدأ الكذب. ثم
يكتشفون الأمر. وعندها
الزواج، كما يقولون،
المقدمة. عند العرب،
نقول عندما تستلم
رسالة، في الأيام التي
كنا نستلم فيها
الرسائل بالبريد،
أليس كذلك؟ عندما
تستلم رسالة، لا تحتاج
لقراءة الرسالة كلها.
أنت فقط تقرأ عنوان
الرسالة. So for example you
receive a letter, it says from John
Smith, your neighborhood insurance
broker. What's this letter about?
Insurance. What is the title of that
letter, I mean? And then we click. And
then we have chemistry. And we have all
the right things. That's the one. Now
um I will not you know you know this is
not I think back home like my
generation versus your generation. Even
my generation, I grew up in the Muslim
world, I, I, I, we had the same notion,
right, on a lighter note. Right?
Because the whole family makes a
decision with you. You don't even go
and talk to the girl. Because to
another society, help the boy and the
girl filter the bad boy away from a
good girl, and the bad girl away from a
good boy. It does some filtration. We
don't have that right now. So what do
we have? We have these three things. I
want someone who looks good. I want
someone who is funny and has a
personality and makes me laugh. And I
want someone who loves me. This you
have to realize. I mean, you have to
mature. So if you ask me what's the
number one thing that you, maturity,
maturity. And see, 25 was someone for
the mature 16? How maturity can prepare
for. Think about marriage, life. And
now they don't act like adults. The job
is a hint. The job is just an
introduction to that. And he didn't,
the Prophet didn't even mention the
word "job." He said whoever can afford
marriage, however you can afford it,
you can afford it. So what does that
mean, especially here. The girl says, "
I know he's supposed to spend on the
family, but he cannot live in an
expensive area." So I have no problem
helping until he stands on his feet. I
always like to add that until he stands
, it should return to be his
responsibility. That is wrong. That is
wrong. That is wrong. Amazing. They
found smart, responsible, and mature
financial situation. We can go into an
even more difficult situation. I don't
need your money now. I will help you
graduate and make money. It might have
marriages more and successful in unity.
Okay. That is wrong. Marriage
scholarships, you know. Then I got
married. Both families, the families
were together. Then they graduated.
Then they came here. Then he went for
his residency. Then she got residency
somewhere else. They were both studying
medicine. Then she said, "I'm not going
for residency if it's away from my
husband." And by now they have one
child. They ended up with four children
. She didn't finish the residency. He
finished. Then he said, now they both
started the company and the company.
And the company became successful. Then
the company collapsed because, you know
, series A, series B, series C of
financing and, you know, funding. So
the company, they went through the pain
together. Their...Uh, their first kid
is graduating high school. And tomorrow
I have to...I got married, if he’s in
school, it must be 18 years ago, right?
I think he’s 17 or so. So they must
have gotten...So it worked because
there is maturity, there is sincerity
there. I want to stop the many parents
who stand against that. I actually work
with the students. I work with their
parents that, no. Support them. Support
them for the intent. Okay. Actually,
the work also, as I said, our heritage
says to be right now, perfect, when
there is, when we do things for the
right purpose. So in my mind, in my
mind as a Muslim, My mind, I am a human
, I am a Muslim. I have been guided by
...Allah. First, why do you make money?
To get...so notice the difference, do I
make money to...Because the American
proposal is I have, then get married.
You know, I found out just recently and
it turned out to be true. You know, we
have the millennials. 2000. 30, 35. And
having and...If this happens to be, the
life of the Prophet (peace be upon him)
was 25...Unintentionally, no. It
happens intentionally there. Because if
you get married at age 35, when people
get married and young, my advice to
them, which is usually uncommon advice,
would not come out, but to save
generations in the future. I say to
them when they...Wait a year. Three is
a good number, 3 years before you have
children. Why? So that you get to know
one another. So you can build these
happy memories. How would you...Would
...Come, not...How this kid...Oh no, I
don't [want] him that way. I [want] him
that way. No, I don't [want] him that.
The kid grows up in a fighting house.
Either a divorce will...About things
before you have. That's when you travel
the world. And have the fun. And have
the honeymoon. And get to know. And get
connected and volunteer together. Learn
Islam. Together...And maturity. Go...
Together. Boys and girls grow up
looking at...One. But you get married.
We have a child. You get to know the
other person. So my advice to the
people and...And by the way, I'm very
open-minded about this, and...And
people thank...Praise be to God. Oh...
Peace be upon you. And peace be upon
you. May Allah make...You have kids.
But you get married and you have. Then
you find out. So that's when my view is
entirely different. Before having
children. After having children. After
having children. to save the marriage
because there is physical abuse. And a
threat to the safety of you. You have
to call the police. Call the police.
But don't call the police for things
you will answer for legally later. If
you fear for your safety. You know this
guy. He pulls a trigger. Masha'Allah.
10 manners. our success. So now we are
thinking more. So I am here for confirm
them. So mission. Okay. Peace be upon
him. Make sure that your children have
something if you pass away. As I stated
before. The four ways we spend our
money. We spend with moderation. We
save money in case something happens.
And we are the four areas. before the
only reason why you make money. Okay.
Peace be upon him. The Hadith: Marry
and multiply. For I will be proud of
you before the nations on the Day of
Judgment. Why do I have to die? and my
purpose in life of it. How do I keep
the deen of Allah going by bringing and
raising? very for it. I can go ahead. I
know of educated I mean, one. is a. One
is a top-tier engineer and a hardware
engineer. They got married. They can't
have kids, which makes the marriage
hard. They both together went to a
Muslim country and lived there for a
few years. They just came back from
another Muslim country and adopted boys
. No children? No problem. We will get
the children. Look at the connection.
They know their role in life. One of
two things would have happened if they
were not committed to Islam: divorce.
Or let's say. We can't have children.
Well, let's go and travel the world. No
, we go and adopt children and we're
going to raise them like our children
and fulfill our purpose in life. To me,
that's very honorable. Like, the
respect that I have for this couple. I
don't think they know how much I
respect them. And I look up to them.
May Allah preserve them. And preserve
their marriage and their children. And
this is the shortest ticket to going to
where? To Jannah. Is to raise someone
who, these kids they adopted. No mom,
no dad, no extended family in sight. So
they literally saved a child from
complete demise and destruction. And
growing up alone in society. So, so
does that Yes. As the example of the
job, when you go to your job, they
might give you a very nice desk, a very
nice laptop. They might tell you we
want you to travel around for sales. So
you get to travel between cities and.
They will sponsor your hotels and they
will sponsor your meals. A fun life for
some people. But is that the purpose,
or does it come with the job? No. The
purpose is for you to do your job.
These things just come along. So, one
of Allah's blessings upon us is that
when we get married, we get all the joy
that comes with it. It's not a boring
job. Responsibility and part of the
divine design for the individual and
the joy because about 20 years ago
positive between the husband and wife
specifically SubhanAllah, and the
purpose is not clear in life. So, the
girl was watching. I am sitting down
with their daughter. The girl turned to
her mother and said, "Mother, can you
just wait three months until I can have
my wedding? And you both can walk me
down the aisle. And we can look like
normal people in front of the other
family. And then divorce my dad." She
said, "No, not for you." I was like,
man. I never thought I would live to
see such a scene. And she looked at her
and said, "You don't have a good reason
to divorce my dad. I know the truth
about what's between you. He is a
loving father, he is a husband. You are
not going to raise me. You are not
going to teach me. I raised you; don't
try to raise me." Okay, so you see,
when the vision is not clear, what
happens? You Islam, how this is the
season we are about to perform all in.
Many. Allah. Ismail, the mother of
Ismail, grand Prophet Muhammad peace be
upon him, Ishaq, Yaqub, the 12. I mean
Ismail and Hajar, Ismail and Sarah,
Ibrahim, Ismail, Ibrahim, Sarah, Ishaq,
peace be upon him. Allah says of
Ibrahim, "Indeed, Ibrahim was a nation.
" All of them. So it became and became
the way. So we need to change our
mindset. Because we have been subjected
to the cartoons that we watched when we
were kids. And then we grew up. And the
society around us, they talk about love
. And then we watch romance movies. And
what is funny is, like I tell people, I
say, "You know, in a romance, I mean,
it reconciles, you walk out happy,
right? And they are in love, and this
and that." You. Know, in an hour and a
half to two-hour movie, they cannot
make it all happy, happy. Because
people will walk out of the movie. They
would say, "This is boring." Where is
the plot? Where is the director? Where
is the story? And we become programmed
to want our entire life, not a
two-hour movie, but our entire life,
to be perfect, perfect, perfect, happy,
happy, happy, happy, happy. no ups. And
impossible. So when our entire life
does not fit a two hours movie, then we
say we're not meant for each other. And
we end up getting divorced. Why this?
Because you might underestimate the
impact of your growth in society. And
what it affects you, how you look at
marriage. You have you think, do you
think you have a mind? You, most of us,
we don't have a mind. So is it a
hopeless case? No. We have thoughts
about how our deen provides for you.
Know, Allah describes marriage in the
Quran as a miracle. This word was a
miracle. Quran. A sign from the "Ta'ni.
""Ta'ni" means reflection, patience,
taking the time. You this means Allah,
the sun. Allah. And from His signs are
the night, the day, the sun, and the
moon. Allah. Scholars, Allah Quran.
Allah. The sun, the moon, the stars,
the mountains. The mountains, the sun,
the moon, the day, the night, the
mountain, the galaxies, the sky and how
it’s expanding, the earth and how it
contracts and it expands. Oh. My God. I
just also recently found that because
of the uh moon, it affects you know the
the tide, it's actually a bulge. It
causes a bulge around the earth and the
earth goes like this, like, and
that’s mentioned in the Quran. It’s
fascinating. In Surah Ar-Rum. Allah.
And from His signs, Allah. That He
created for you from among yourselves,
spouses. Ya Allah. Allah, so you may
find tranquility in them. And He placed
between you affection and mercy. Allah.
Affection. Not just love, but softness,
need, so one another to establish. When
someone gets sick. And when someone
becomes sad. And when someone travels.
And when someone. And when the family
becomes. Mercy. Allah. Because Allah
placed miracles, marvels from among
your things. So you will be secure and
peaceful next to them. Put between you
affection and mercy. Natural. In that
sign. For a people who reflect. They
need analysis and don't deal with
things at face value. Oh, he looks good
, he's funny, and he makes me feel good
. Allah. Actually. Thoughtfully. It's
beautiful and cute when a two-year-old
throws a tantrum. It's not cute when
the husband throws a tantrum or the
wife. Not long ago, I was in a marriage
counseling session and. Simply, one of
the two spouses said, "I'm just
stubborn." Me: "Come again, please."
Could my mind be looking for logic here
? Seriously, what are you, five years
old? Ten years old? And "I'm just
stubborn"? You're destroying the family
and you're just stubborn. So where is
the maturity? You know, the maturity is
very, very important. So where does
maturity come from? Reading the Quran,
implementing the Quran, making the
Quran Islam gives you roles,
establishing justice, establishing
mercy, establishing excellence,
spreading the truth. Do you think
someone who is busy in their life doing
these four things will be immature,
will act like a little kid? Will be
irresponsible? So we really need the
paradigm shift from where? From going
from I want to get married for myself
which is true that comes with the
package. Allah said he put between us.
Allah said he put between us love. The
Quran. Apply and learn. Apply and give
me as mention of the Quran. And are out
of another foundation. What does the
Quran expect the husband and wife to be
? Friends. Allah. Quranic companions.
Companion. 40 or 50. SubhanAllah. 30,
40, 50 years. 2 weeks later. The wife,
the wife. 2 That's it. God willing.
Maghrib prayer. Eat dinner and build
things by making a choice. How. How do
I make a right choice and how do I
approach this thing of marriage? That's
why like when I see a young man,
especially a young man, do I go for my
career or do I go for marriage? I say
you're going for your career so that
you can get married and you're getting
married to have children. But just
please don't have children right away
until you build a relationship between
you and your spouse. You build a strong
foundation. You agree on the future, on
the way of thinking, you adjust and
there will be tug-of-war and fights
while you're adjusting. Do all of that,
or most of it, before you have children
. Because once the wife becomes
pregnant, the husband has to step in,
and maybe she was a very good housewife
and now she cannot do the same thing.
He has now to come and step in. There's
no time for argument. It's going to be
all support through the pregnancy,
through the delivery, through the
post-delivery. We don't have time to
argue right now. You want to argue,
argue in the first year or two or three
; let's be done with that. This is the
time we stand with each other. So then
from there we build on that, God
willing, certain points that I would
like to cover. I think I will pause or
end the theme and will continue
otherwise it will become a very long
video if we pray and come back to Glory
be to You, O Allah. To You, God willing
, Maghrib. God willing. May Allah
reward you.

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This session, Shaykh Elbakri will go over navigating the dilemma facing young Muslims today...

Published: May 23, 2025
Recorded: Not stated by the source
Length: 57:57
Source: Tawasaw Institute (opens YouTube in a new tab)Tawasaw Institute upload
Speaker evidence: Shaykh Alauddin ElBakri: description: "…This session, Shaykh Elbakri will" (surname/first-name only; not proof)
Transcript: YouTube captions (auto generated), EN, version 1Not yet reviewed by an editor; retrieved October 14, 2026.

Topics

Family & ParentingCatalog keyword rule: keyword "Marriage"
YouthCatalog keyword rule: keyword "young"
Gratitude (Shukr)Transcript mentions a related term at 0:02 and in 1 more passage
Mercy (Rahmah)Transcript mentions a related term at 0:02 and in 5 more passages
Patience (Sabr)Transcript mentions a related term at 0:02 and in 2 more passages